Words from the unwise

1. The person you like and why you like them:

Haha this is Jeff obviously. I like Jeff because I am myself around him. I act like an idiot, I say dumb things, I make goofy faces, I tickle him constantly, and he doesn’t hate me for it. He laughs at all my dumb jokes, loves really, REALLY good music, makes sure he’s close to me when we fall asleep cuddling, and has beautiful eyes. I find him so attractive and he’s so awkward which makes things even better. I’m such a fan of the chase, and even though we’re kinda together, it’s still an adventure. We haven’t fooled around yet and I still don’t know where this is going. I mean it really sucks not to know, but I almost can say I enjoy drama, so it’s not so bad. Something to keep me on my toes. I just really like him and want to keep him in my life. He’s comforting. It’s like he’s so familiar yet something unknown. I feel like he’s someone I’ve known for a long time yet I still have so much to discover about him.

Ps Thanks Caitlin for getting me hooked on these things…

So school is here. I am completely moved in and I feel like my life is back in balance. I’ve spent every moment here with friends or decorating my room, which is starting to really look amazing, even if it is after 2 years!

I am also back to not caring about what happens between Nate and myself. I think the key is when he doesn’t talk to me, I want him more, but whenever we’re on speaking terms, I go back into that relaxed mode. I ALWAYS want what I can’t have… AAAAND the fact that I’m back at school and there are sooooo many hot guys.

I just want to be treated right. I want some one who is going to care about me and love me as much as I do them. I like surprises and little presents here and there. I just want to be cherished…

On 15 April 1912 the SS Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage and over 1,500 people died. Fourteen years earlier a novel was published by Morgan Robertson which seemed to foretell the disaster. The book described a ship the same size as the Titanic which crashes into an iceberg on its maiden voyage on a misty April night. The name of Robertson’s fictional ship was the Titan.

You those times that I say that I don’t care, and that it doesn’t really phase me? Yeah… Well I do care and this hurts like hell. I’m not sure that I’m ready for this. My insides ache with this insane ammount of want, but then the want turns into pain.

And I’m left here with all of this pain, worry, and sadness.

I really don’t know if this is worth it.

I just have so much built up inside. So much repressed feelings. Happiness, eagerness, want, lust, sadness, worry, angst, callousness. It’s all starting to over flow, and I don’t know which feelings are the truest of them all.

The only thing I know for sure is I can’t let myself fall apart over this.

My mom always seems to speak the worries that I have out loud when I can’t seem to admit them to myself…

So again, panic mode is raging through my brain yet again. Is this what I want? Is he the right person? I’m terrified. I don’t know if I have the kind of personality to attract someone. I’m so used to just making out, that I don’t know what I’m going to do….

I’m definitely shaking
The silence isn’t breaking
Backwashed and stranded memories
Of something I thought could be

Yesterday, panic mode set in… I was just sitting there, thinking, “Oh my god. I’m spending so much time with/talking to Nate. Is this really what I wan’t? Do I really want to be with him like this?”

It was literally a moment of pure panic. I STILL can’t imagine myself being intimate with anyone else. I can see myself cuddling, kissing, and sleeping with Nate. I just am having trouble envisioning us actually being close like I was with Alex. I just can’t handle that level of attachment again.

I’m sabbotaging myself. I think “He’s seems like he can be [insert negative comment here] and I don’t want to have to make excuses for him like I did for Alex.” I know everyone can’t be perfect, but I feel like I’m going to project my insecurities and his flaws and turn them into something bigger than they need be.

And then I thought to myself, “Why am I even thinking of this? There’s no gauruntee that it will turn into anything anyway…” We have “feelings for each other” OHHH BOY. He’s hung up on some other girl… I’m hung up on pure fear of emotional closeness. I’m SO gaurded and I think he really sees it. He’s commented on it more than a few times. I just can’t help it. I refuse to give up even a certain part of myself if there is even the slightest risk involved.

The day that he says I’m totes into me and wants only me, I’ll be all into it. Until then, yes, I like him, but that’s it. I’m not attached. I won’t call him. I won’t text him first. I’ll make arrangements to see him, but I won’t try too hard. If he wants to see me, he can ask.

I’m finally seeing how much of a failure I’ve been at life + relationships. I chase men and act so pathetic. I always needed to have someone in my life to be happy. I was clingy and needy. I never gave my boyfriends time with their friends.

I feel like I almost needed to lose Alex in order to grow up. Now I feel like I will want to be with my significant other all the time, but I will be able to give him the space that he needs. I also will be better on my own. If someone wants to be with me, great. If not? Oh well and fuck you. Like I told Nate “It won’t be the end of the world if we don’t get together. I’ve learned to be okay on my own.” I never thought I’d hear myself say those words out loud.

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I’d never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

And the great thing is, it’s the truth. I’ll be okay on my own, no matter what.

I’ve never been at a more unsure, unstable, strange place before, but I don’t mind it. Today was legit. That’s all. I’m done being stressed about everything. Whatever happens, happens. There’s no time limits or ultimatums. I’m just going with what feels right, and this feel right. I’ve got a grip on the situation, so I know the two out comes. I’m okay with either. It won’t be the end of the world, either way.

Also, I’m thoroughly convinced that I will not give “it” up until (if) he says he wants to be monogamous. I’m pretty sure that, that is the key to being hurt. I can leave with my dignity if things don’t work out and we don’t have sex. It was really, REALLY hard to say no today, but I did. It wasn’t like he really asked, it was just more of the fact that I WANTED to so badly.

“Up until now, I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness.”

To be quite honest, I’m not even really sure why I’m worrying about this…

Why do we, as women, allow ourselves to be placed in such demeaning positions. How is it, that we care and give so much, while men get to be the less compassionate and more callous gender?!

We sit and pretend we’re not interested in the hopes that he’ll want us more. We act like ladies, parade around like peacocks, and give up parts of ourselves and our morals, for what? So that the men that we care for can be happy.

We don’t call or text first. We wait like maidens in distress. We want them to come after us and want us. Why? We do it so that we don’t seem desperate. We let them feel masculine.

I’m so tired of bottling up my feelings just so I don’t seem like some desperate, crazy nag. I really just hate when situations are out of my control. But they always are, aren’t they?

I’m just sick of feeling like I’ll come off too strong if I pursue what I really want.